Children with a high sense of confidence believe they can make strong decisions and are less likely to follow others down the wrong path. I am not only bolstering (my children’s) sense of trust in themselves but also in the world around them,” says Carrie Philpott, a Redwood City mother of two and social worker.

But child development experts caution that too much praise can make children self-absorbed—or overly anxious to please authority figures. How can parents and caregivers foster children’s self-confidence in healthy ways? Parents and parent educators offer tips.

“I praise specific things”

“Praise the behavior you want to see repeated, such as ‘Nice listening,’ or ‘Thanks for doing what I asked right away,’” says therapist Mary Linscomb. “It also (makes children more likely to) comply in the future.” But telling children they’re smart, in general, may make them afraid of failing or hesitant to take up new activities, adds Joelle Vessels, director of Interface Children Family Services in Ventura County.

“It’s so important to praise specific things my son does,” says San Francisco mother of two Brigid Gaffikin, “and encourage him without diluting what praise means. So, if he plays well with other kids, we’ll thank him for being considerate and thoughtful and for sharing. We’ll be specific about what we’re proud of. I’m not going to say ‘Good job!’ every time he finishes breakfast or climbs the rope-ladder in the playground.”

“I try to help Kelly and Christopher feel good about themselves by asking questions like ‘How do you feel about the picture you drew?’ or ‘It looks like you are really proud of how you played today,’” says Philpott. These questions “make them look to themselves and that’s invaluable,” she adds.

“I talk her through things”

When her daughter, Ainsley, played a ‘going to the park’ game, San Carlos mother Jenny Waddell realized the game “just copies our real-life events when we go to the park, except she’s the mommy and I am the child. This really showed me she is watching everything. From brushing my teeth to getting dressed, I talk her through the things I do to help her understand what I’m doing and why.”

Bernadette Shu, a Belmont mother of two, encourages her son to try new activities by asking, “’Andrew what do you see? What is that?’ If he doesn’t answer, I’ll explain and add commentary like ‘It’s fun!’ and ‘Wow, look at that!’ and then ask if he wants to try.” She also refers to any books they’ve read about the activity and sometimes joins in with him until he feels comfortable on his own.

Vessels suggests parents echo what the child says or does. For example, when a child says, “My doggie is playing with Billy’s stuffed animal,” the parent might say, “Oh, look, your doggie is having fun with Billy’s stuffed animal.” Or if the child makes a plastic horse gallop around the table, the parent might pick up a similar horse and have it gallop, too. This makes children feel listened to and valued, she adds.

“It’s OK to not get it right”

“We let Dominic and Vincent try things from start to finish,” Julie Agrella, an Elk Grove mother of four-year-old twin boys. “We know they are going to make mistakes–that’s how they learn—but it’s our job to let them know it’s OK to get frustrated and not get it right the first time. If we are playing with a puzzle and I can sense they are getting (really) frustrated, I will talk them through the puzzle.”

“If Andrew has a potty accident, he gives me a disappointed look,” says Shu. “Accepting mistakes is not easy for him—that is why I am teaching him mistakes are OK. I treat my mistakes with a simple ‘Uh oh, Spaghetti-o’ and then I narrate out loud how I should fix the mistake. I’ll ask him if he has ideas and he’ll enjoy helping me solve my problem.”

Shu helps Andrew use this process when he runs into problems—a puzzle piece not fitting, not being able to identify letters. “When Andrew hears me say, ‘I know you can do it,’ a smile forms and his frustration (fades away),” she adds.

“It teaches them to share”

Agrella tries to celebrate each child’s strengths instead of making them feel competitive with each other. “It’s hard with twins because they’re always compared,” she says.

“One loves baseball, one loves golf, but we still play both games as a family,” she says. “They get frustrated easily, but it teaches them to share time and try something that doesn’t come so easily. We encourage them along the way.” She and her husband use each other as examples, saying “Watch the way Mommy is running from base to base” so they don’t compare one twin with the other, she adds.

“Build on the strength of the family”

“In the Latino culture,” says Katie Stokes-Guinan with Grail Family Services in San Jose, “there is the strength of family bond and respect for elders—this builds confidence to know so many are standing behind you.”

Lalaine Frankel, mother of four and a teacher and parent educator at Little Hands in Belmont, says her children do simple chores, such as setting the table and taking out the garbage. The children feel satisfaction from contributing to the family, she adds.

Help children feel some control

“I remember Tobin melting down,” says Gaffikin, “when I rushed him (out to the bus) while he was busy with something else. Now I tell him when the timer goes off, in two minutes, it’s time for a bath.” She says the warnings help Tobin feel some control over his environment.

Waddell allots extra time for Ainsley to put on her shoes. Waddell still has to tie them for her, but she waits “to step in until Ainsley asks me for help,” she says.

Resources

• Self-Esteem, from the US Department of Health and Human Services, http://hablemos.samhsa.gov/; in Spanish at http://hablemos.samhsa.gov/
  
  
• 20 Tips to Promote Positive Self-Esteem, from Schwab Learning, www.schwablearning.org/articles.aspx?r=528
  
  
• Stick Up for Yourself, by Gershen Kaufman and Lev Raphael
  
  
• Feeling Good About Yourself, by Debbie Pincus