When Laly Cervantes began teaching at the North Bay Children’s Center in Novato more than 10 years ago, she dreaded talking to parents about problems. “I was so uncomfortable approaching them!” she says. “Some of them treat you like a babysitter and others expect you to know everything. If a parent disagreed with me, I just let the matter drop.”

Now, with the help of a course from the Parents Services Project, Cervantes says, “I talk with parents openly every day, getting to know them and keeping in touch with them about any problems, so we can work together to solve them.”

For many preschool teachers and child care providers, relationships with parents and guardians can be difficult. Many say they didn’t go into early childhood education to work with adults!

But experts say the relationship with the entire family is critical for the child’s well-being. When the year starts, says Cheryl McGrew, a teacher at the Grossmont College child development center in El Cajon, she’s already met most parents at the school orientation. She notices that the children of parents she hasn’t met have a harder time adjusting to school. “The child sees that you know her mommy and her mommy talks to you every day.” McGrew says. “I think the child feels like, ‘It’ll be OK to stay at school.’”

Get to know families right away

Many caregivers don’t make a point of learning the names of the children’s parents or guardians, says Lee Lesser, project manager of early childhood programs at Parent Services Project in San Anselmo. But “the relationship is critical. If a problem does arise with the child, it can be hard to work together on a solution if the parents and teacher don’t know one another,” she says.

For example, the preschool may feel it’s important for children to feed themselves, but in some families, parents may value feeding their children. “If teachers understand what the values are at home, when they finally talk to the family about their concern, they’ll understand a great deal more about the child’s behavior,” Lesser said. “That can lead to the school and family coming up with a creative solution.”

Find informal ways to learn about families

Fun social events can strengthen the bond between teacher and family. The Grossmont child development center holds regular events such as “Nacho Night” or “Barbecue on the Grass” to bring families and teachers together casually, says Kathryn Ingrum, center coordinator and professor of child development.

Just chatting with parents at the beginning or end of the day, McGrew adds, helps build relationships before a problem arises.

Talk to parents the way you would want to be spoken to

Preschool teacher Pauahi McGinn says it’s critical for parents not to feel that the teacher is judging them. “I used to be a young mom myself,” she says, “so I understand that parents need to be nurtured as well as their child.”

McGinn, who’s taught at Belle Air Preschool in San Bruno for six years, remembers one child who was a “hitter.” “I finally asked the father to come in to school. Rather than having him hover over his child to see him hit another child, I asked him to help during an art project. Then he could observe his child’s behavior from across the room. I wanted the father to know that I was not picking on his child. Once he saw what was happening, we could talk about how to deal with it together.”

Start with positive comments

When Maura Mehrian, another teacher at the Grossmont College center, has a concern to share with parents, she begins by saying something positive about the child.

Last year, when a family requested a conference with her, Mehrian knew they were concerned that their child might have ADD. “So right away,” she says, “I told them their child was very bright, very good at problem-solving and very focused on activities that he chose. I think that relieved the parents. Then we talked about ways to keep him interested when he began kindergarten so he could continue to feel successful.”

Don’t use too much professional jargon

Ingrum says it’s important that teachers explain problems by describing specific behavior. For example, if a child is acting up early in the day, she doesn’t start by lecturing the parent about nutritional deficiencies. “Instead, I would tell a parent, ‘I noticed your daughter was running around the room having a hard time focusing this morning. Was there anything different at home today?’”

Ingrum says teachers can come across as experts, but it’s important to tell parents, “I am an expert in child development, but you are an expert when it comes to your child.”

Understand that parents may have a hard time with serious concerns

Ingrum remembers working with a three-year-old who had difficulty processing information and was unable to remember colors or the names of animals even after hearing them repeatedly. When she first expressed her concern to the parents, they denied that there was a problem.

It’s normal for parents to go through days, weeks or even months of denial, anger, and sadness about serious problems, Ingrum says. When parents can’t admit there’s a problem, she says, you have to gently remind them and prod them to do something. “What we do is continue to document what we see in the classroom and wait for them. We have to be sensitive to the particular parent and the particular issue and recognize the process they’re going through.”

Eventually the parents accepted her observations and had the child tested.

Build your own skills

Ingrum has found that so many of her early childhood education (ECE) students struggle with adult communication skills that she’s developing a course called “Adult Relationships.” “With just 12 units of ECE, we’re asking preschool teachers to be teachers, counselors, diagnosticians—and many feel they’re not up to it all,” Ingrum says.

Resources

• Parent Services Project, 415-454-1870, www.parentservices.org (curriculum and consultation on working with families)

• WestEd, 877-4-WestEd, www.wested.org (materials and training programs)

• Child Care Health Program, 800-333-3212, www.ucsfchildcarehealth.org (telephone advice for child care providers)