The message from research is clear: Positive relationships with adults and other kids are key to the development of young children. But what does that mean adults can do in real-life early care and education settings? Preschool teachers and experts share some tips:

Create a sense of belonging

Children should be included as much as possible, says Laurie Prusso, a child development teacher at Modesto Junior College. "Get their input and give them meaningful tasks. Activities like counting out plates or utensils for lunch is a way to practice math skills and give children a sense of belonging."

Margaret Lewis, a teacher at Tenderloin Child Care Center in San Francisco, says simple things like playing "Ring-Around the Rosy" and singing together also foster a sense of belonging.

Create a positive environment

"Make the environment child-friendly, with lots of choices that are 'yes' and few, if any, 'nos'," says Katie Zolezzi, director of Early Head Start in Pacific Beach. "If something is a 'no'" she suggests, "remove it from the environment or lock it up!"

Build strong relationships

"Success comes with the strength of the relationship with the child," says Lewis. "Nothing may be accomplished unless the child feels they have a home base. And through this relationship, behavior may slowly change." (see below: "Kevin's story")

Create spaces for private time

Nefertiti Bruce, an early childhood specialist at the Devereux Foundation, says it's important to have a place for children to withdraw from the group when they feel tired or emotionally overwhelmed--like a couple of beanbag chairs in a corner. "When a child seems about to lose control, teachers should suggest that the child use one of the be-by-myself spaces," says Bruce.

Model appropriate behavior and social skills

"Instead of teaching children to obey without question, we can teach them how to use self-control and self-respect by modeling that behavior," says child care educator Dawn Fry. Goldstone says in her preschool, "I really believe the respect we (the staff) showed each other was the best model the children could have had. (And) we treated the children with respect, using 'please' and 'thank you' with them intentionally."

Take advantage of "teachable moments"

Instead of punishing or isolating a child in time-out, caregivers can use an incident of misbehavior as an opportunity to talk with the child about better ways they could handle such situations in the future, says Zolezzi. Being there "while the child reflects on why he or she is sitting off from the others" is a good time for adults to teach appropriate behavior.

"If it were a case of trashing someone else's building in the block area," says Goldstone, "I would talk about how much work the other child put into the building. I would tell the child to look at the other child's face, and we would talk about feelings. I would then suggest we build a building (together)."

Teach words for feelings

On her classroom wall, Lewis has a poster showing pictures of children whose facial expressions reflect different feelings. "We talk to the children about how the children on the poster are feeling. We'll bring a child over to the poster and ask 'What kind of face is he making? He looks sad, doesn't he'" That helps them in identifying their own feelings, says Lewis.

Teach conflict-resolution skills

Bruce suggests creating a "feelings table" where children are encouraged to go and solve their own conflicts by talking about their feelings. "Teachers can introduce a simple problem-solving process during group time, explaining to children that when they have a conflict with a classmate they can come over to the Feelings Table to talk about it," she says.

Bruce describes a time when two arguing boys asked her to settle their dispute. Instead, she says, "I suggested that the two go over to the (Feelings Table) and told them I was very confident that they could work it out themselves. After two or three minutes the boys yelled 'Miss Bruce, Miss Bruce, we're friends again!" They had two of the biggest, proudest smiles I had seen in a long time."

Understand the development stages of early childhood

It's important for parents and teachers to remember that "much of what we label as misbehavior is age-related behavior that will pass with loving adults who respond with care and affection," says Prusso.

In very young children, even an unacceptable behavior like biting is "not cause for alarm," says Zolezzi, "and is an opportunity to discuss 'soft touches' and to give the toddler words to use in the future: 'Tell Paul you don't like him taking your truck.'"

For more information:

• Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning, 877-275-3227, www.csefel.uiuc.edu
• Center for Social and Emotional Education, 212-707-8799, www.csee.net

Kevin's story

The first week Kevin, three-and-a-half, was in preschool, he hit other kids at least five times, so the teachers met to figure out a plan. They could see that Kevin wanted to play with other kids--he just didn't know how to get started. He needed to learn skills for connecting with other kids.

They worked on teaching those skills at circle time, using puppet stories that let children take turns entering play appropriately. And they gave Kevin positive feedback on skills he already had, such as putting his things in a cubby.

They also decided that one teacher, Sara, would build a special, close relationship with Kevin. She spent lots of time going where he went, talking with him, and sitting with him at lunch and naptime. She also coached him on getting into group play.

For example, if he approached a group of kids playing together, Sara moved close and helped Kevin find words. She might ask, "Kevin, what is it that you want to do?" When Kevin said "Play with blocks," she could say to the others, "Kevin wants to play with blocks with you."

His relationship with Sara made him feel safe, so he was more confident in approaching other children. In about three weeks, the hitting disappeared completely! Sara began to be able to put her attention elsewhere. But whenever Kevin needed help or encouragement, he turned to her--and she always tried to be there for him.

(From a story told by Laurie Prusso)