Everyone knows it’s not easy being a parent. The demands of caring for and guiding children can push parents to their limits. While anger and frustration are often part of parenting, sometimes adults aren’t sure how to handle their anger at their child.

“No one yells when they’re happy,” says Lisa Pion-Berlin, president of Parents Anonymous, a nationwide network of parent support groups. “We talk with parents about underlying feelings that lead them to act in ways they don’t like. I think anger can get out of control for just about anyone—and be destructive to children.”

Parents and parenting experts share tips about ways parents can prevent and defuse anger at their children.

Take five—or fifteen

Esperanza Vinas, a parent educator for the California Parenting Institute in Santa Rosa, recalls asking her daughter to move a small mattress up from the basement. She was shocked when her daughter said she did not want to do it and didn’t have to. “I felt my stomach drop,” says Vinas. “I was thinking ‘how dare she disrespect me like this’ and ‘I need to teach her a lesson.’”

But Vinas kept her temper and said she needed time to cool down. “I tell parents to take five minutes,” she says. “I was so angry, I told my daughter I needed fifteen.”

After a few minutes, her daughter cheerfully told her she had moved the mattress. But to reinforce that talking back is not OK, Vinas took away half her daughter’s allowance. Vinas advises parents to consider a child’s age and temperament when deciding consequences. For example, time-outs should be “one minute for each year of a child’s life,” she says—but for her sensitive youngest daughter, a far shorter time-out is enough.

While many Latino parents are upset when their children talk back, says Vinas, “I help parents see that it’s a good thing that their daughter speaks her mind—it’s okay to disagree, (but) she needs to be guided how to disagree.”

When possible, keep your cool

Art Hernandez works hard to bring up his son without the spanking and yelling he experienced as a child. “Sometimes, when he’s stamping his feet and making a real mad face,” says Hernandez, “I try to make a joke out of it, to make the situation less intense.”

“When I would clean up the house and the baby would make it messy, or I would clean the baby up and the baby would get dirty, I’d get so angry,” Patty Enciso recalls. But “I chose my battles now,” she says. “I’m not going to get into it over small things.”

Parents can also count to ten or take deep breaths until they feel calmer. If that doesn’t help, they can try going for a walk or run, punching a pillow, jumping up and down. If parents lose their temper, they can tell the child they made a mistake and next time they will try to cool down first.

Think about the child’s perspective

Vinas recalls Lisa (not her real name), an aunt in Sonoma who cared for her sisters’ children after her sister died. On one visit, Vinas says, Lisa abruptly turned off the TV—the child watching TV had an angry fit, so then Lisa also got mad.

“I asked her to imagine if someone turned off a program she liked without warning,” says Vinas. Thinking about that, Lisa understood why the child was so upset. “I try to take parents into their kids’ world so they can sympathize with what the child is feeling.” Vinas adds that it’s important to give children warning about what will happen next—for example, that the TV will be turned off when the show ends or when people visit.

Plan ahead

“Last minute stuff,” says Pion-Berlin. “Doesn’t usually work that well. If you can make a plan before you have the conflict—like sitting down and negotiating a time to do the homework—then you take away the stress of the moment.”

Take time for yourself

Enciso takes regular breaks from her busy, loud household on her back patio. “The children know it’s my time-out spot,” she says. She also uses journal-writing to figure out what triggers her anger. Parents can ask a friend or family member to watch the child while they go out—or call a friend to vent. Parents can also make sure that being hungry or tired isn’t making things worse—or making the child act out in ways that trigger the anger.

Find someone to talk with

“When I was mistreating my daughter I just felt so ugly,” Enciso recalls. “Sometimes we keep it to ourselves because we’re afraid people are going to judge. But I needed to make sure my kids were protected, because I was afraid if I didn’t get help I was going to hurt them. And I needed to show my family that they don’t have to abuse one another.”

Enciso joined a Parents Anonymous support group when “I was 19 and didn’t have any idea what to do with a baby,” she says. At meetings she shared what she was going through—and was met with “unconditional love.”

Enciso now runs a Parents Anonymous support group. She still draws tremendous support from the group and has learned to manage her emotions to be “the best parent (she) can be.”

Resources

Organizations

• Parents Anonymous: offers free parenting support groups in English and Spanish. Call 909-621-6184 for a local group, www.parentsanonymous.org; the site offers tips for dealing with children’s behavior, in English and Spanish, at www.parentsanonymous.org/pahtml/toolBox.html

• Parental Stress Service: offers a parenting hotline, respite child care, parenting classes, and counseling. 510-893-9230, www.psshelps.org

• California Parenting Institute: offers parenting classes, support groups, home visits, and an advice line. 707-585-6108, www.calparents.org

Web resources

• Get Your Angries Out, from Talk, Trust, and Feel Therapeutics, has information on anger management for parents at www.angriesout.com

• See also “You can’t help it if you’re mad,” from the September-October 2004 Children’s Advocate, at www.4children.org/news/904made.htm (in Spanish at www.4children.org/news/904mads.htm) for tips on how to help kids with their anger