When Nica and Greg Williamsen signed up for parenting classes at the California Parenting Institute in Sonoma County, "we thought we'd sit around talking about discipline-what to do when they do X," says Nica. Instead, they learned about "dealing with the whole child, not just what to do when they do something you don't want," she says.

Because each parent and child is different, and because California parents come from many cultures, methods vary. But "dealing with the whole child" is the common thread in these parents' stories of discipline strategies that worked for them.

Include children in household activities

When Monica Vega started attending parenting classes at the Parent Resource Center in Modesto, her big problem was the end of the work day. When she gets home her three children, ages six, five, and two, "want all my attention, but I have to cook dinner, clean the house, get them ready for school the next day. They were always going, 'Mommy, Mommy!' I would start yelling and tell them to go away."

At parenting classes, she said, "I learned to include them in what I'm doing. I have them help me cook and clean up, and I give them choices-when to take a bath, what clothes to wear the next day. It makes me feel good that I'm giving them the attention they want. And I can see a change in them. They're happier." They don't resist doing chores, "because I'm doing it with them."

Discuss problems and listen to the child's point of view

Roberto Ordaz participates in parenting classes at the Children's Bureau of Southern California in Palmdale-but his most important teacher was his father. "He always talked with us and told us to express our feelings," says Ordaz.

So with his own kids, when there's a problem, "I sit and tell them what they're doing that I don't want. They always have an answer! I let them speak. Then I say, 'I would like for you to do this instead.'"

Impose logical consequences

Recently Ordaz's youngest, five-year-old Roberto Jr., has been resisting doing homework. "I tell him, 'you have to do it because the teacher told you and because it's important for you to learn.'" After several days of resistance, Ordaz told his son, "If you don't do the homework, you're not gonna watch TV, mijo, or play with toys. I don't like to do that but you don't leave me any choice."

Give encouragement

The next day Roberto Jr. told Ordaz, "I'm ready to do my homework now. Will you do it with me?" Dad went to Roberto's room and got him started. "Then I went in every 10 minutes and said, 'Let me see what you're doing. That's great!'"

Use distraction to avoid conflict

One of the best tactics she learned at the California Parenting Institute, says Nica Williamsen, was "distraction -- it's great because it's not confrontational."

Three-year-old Cheyenne would kick and fuss when her mom tried to dress her for preschool. Engaging her in conversation distracted her from her protests.

One morning, for example, Williamsen remembered that a friend's birthday was coming. "I asked her, 'What shall we get Alex for his birthday?' That led to tons of discussion because she really had to stop and think." While the discussion was going on, Williamsen matter-of-factly got Cheyenne dressed.

Give children "time out"

Veronica Herrera, a Tarzana single mom, says before she went to parenting classes at Friends of the Family in Van Nuys, she used to scream at her three-year-old son. "That's how I was raised," she says, "so I thought that was the only way. But it doesn't work!"

Now when her son has a tantrum, Herrera says, "It's 'time-out time,'" puts him in his room, and closes the door. He comes out when he's ready.

Many parents set a specific amount of time out-the rule of thumb is one minute for every year of age. Styles vary-some have children sit in a particular chair in the same room, or even sit with the child.

Explain reasons for rules

Herrera also has started explaining more. She gave her son a time-out when he broke one of her contact lenses, but first she was careful to explain, "Mommy needs these to see, and they cost a lot of money."

Give positive support along with consequences

When her son comes out of his room, Herrera adds, "I always tell him I love him very much. He used to ask, after a time-out, 'Do you still love me, Mommy?' Now I tell him right away."

Ignore negative behavior

Eve Mello, adult program coordinator at the Parent Resource Center in Modesto, lives with her daughter and toddler grandson.

"Yesterday," says Mello, "he wanted the whole cookie jar. One cookie wasn't good enough." When Mom and Grandma said no, "he threw things on the floor and screamed."

Mello advised her daughter, "'Just walk away. Go to the living room.' He ran to the living room, looked at her, and started screaming. She turned her head away and gave him no attention. So he threw himself on the floor, screaming and biting the carpet. "Then he stopped and looked up at his mom, but she continued not making eye contact. He went back to screaming, then stopped and looked at her again. He was about to scream some more, but then he stopped, went away, and started playing. He screams, but if he doesn't get attention for it, it's not worth his time."

Reward good behavior

Karla Hopkins, who participated in a parent support group at Friends of the Family, says, "I reward good behavior with positive reinforcement. If I ask my eight-year-old to do something and there's no hesitation, no eye-rolling, no walking away and muttering, she gets a reward -- maybe an extra 10 minutes of reading aloud."

Restrain violent behavior

Esperanza Vinas now works at the California Parenting Institute in Sonoma County after taking classes there. She says four-year-old Brenda used to "cry, hit, do anything violent to get her way. I learned when Brenda hit, to hold her and say, 'You can't do that because it hurts.'" Now "she's learned not to hit others and not to hit Mommy. Now she knows to go to her room and have her tantrum and calm down."

Acknowledge children's feelings

Vinas also gave Brenda options, like "You can hit the pillow," and taught her words for expressing negative feelings-"She's learned to say, 'I don't like this, I'm upset.'" And Vinas learned to let some things go. "When I want to give her a shower, she says no and cries and cries, she turns her body all hard and heavy so I can't pick her up. Now sometimes I say, 'OK, I'll do it tomorrow.' And I let her voice her feelings. She says, 'I don't want to,' and I say, 'I know, sweetie, we'll do it fast.'"

Recognize children's different temperaments

Parenting classes helped Vinas cope with the challenge of raising a spirited child. "I thought it was my fault," she says, "but I learned that's just her temperament. This is who she is."

"I'm still struggling with her," Vinas adds. "I don't think she's changed a lot but the way we approach her has changed."

Some of the parenting programs mentioned here use materials developed by national parenting education organizations. Three of the best-known are:

• Center for the Improvement of Child Caring, developers of the Parent Effectiveness Training programs, (800) 325-CICC
  
  
• Bavolek Nurturing Program, (800) 688-5822, www.familydev.com
  
  
• MELD, "blending information and support for families," (612) 332-7563.

Extra resources from the Children’s Advocate bulletin (updated 2-07)

• Three weekly, call-in radio programs offer advice for parents and caregivers about child development, including discipline and related issues. Each radio program has a website with more information and an archive of shows that can be downloaded:
  
  
  *  Childhood Matters, http://www.childhoodmatters.org
  
  
  *  Nuestros Ninos, http://www.nuestrosninos.com
  
  
  *  La Placita Bilingue, http://www.radiobilingue.org/archive/laplacita.htm
  
  
• Difficult Behavior in Early Childhood: Positive Discipline for PreK-3 Classrooms discusses discipline and child development, time-outs, setting boundaries, punishment and praise, and helping children with deeper issues. By Ronald Mah; available from Redleaf Press, 800-423-8309; summary online at http://www.redleafpress.org/productdetails.cfm?PC=1086
  
  

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